I'm tired of listening to the sound of my tears.

So the girl and me talked and clear things between us. Siya yung pinagseselosan ko nung kami pa ni KB. We talked after class. Hinila siya ng kaibigan ko dahil gusto nga daw niyang makipagkaibigan sakin. We talked first about our issue on backstabbing which happened just this morning. Hanggang sa napunta nga kami sa issue about Me, KB and Her. We have this issue about third parties blah blah chuchu. So I asked her if it's true. She said 'No'. She admits she have this 'thing' on KB. but not totally crush daw. (LOLWHUUT?) But that was before, accdg. to her. She told me, they were textmates before. But not the, you know, sweet textmates. I got jealous, angry, confused. Knowing they were texting each other before when I thought KB was only texting me that time. She also said, (Not the exact words), "Hindi ko gawain ang manira ng relasyon. Alam mong may boyfriend din ako, di ba? Atsaka, hindi ako ang unang lumalapit. Siya. Alam mo ba nung tinanong niya ako kung gusto ko din bang tawagin niya akong mommy? I was shocked. And I said No." Okay, that was hurtful. But I believed her. But this is the most hurtful part when I asked her If it was true that KB told her the 3 words-eight letters, and guess what? The answer's YES.

Shit.

Shit.

Go and Die now, KB. This is too much.

Alam mo KB, kaya ko pang tanggapin na kaya mo ako hiniwalayan dahil sa Mama mo. Kaya ko pang tanggapin eh. Pero pagkatapos ko tong marinig at malaman? Ayoko na. Ang sakit na. Hindi mo alam kung gaano mo ako nasaktan. S-O-B-R-A. Paano mo nagawa sakin to? Pinaniwala mo akong iba ka sa mga lalaki. Na Mahal mo ako. Ako at wala ng iba. Ilang beses ko na bang narinig yan sayo? Ang daming beses. Ang galing mo. Napaniwala mo nga ako. Sabihin na nating saglit nga lang yan at matagal na. Pero hindi mo maaalis yung katotohanan na niloko mo ko KB. Saglit man o matagal na, niloko mo parin ako.

Ang sakit sakit na KB. Durog na durog na ako. Naging Loyal ako sayo. Kasi Mahal kita. Ni minsan hindi ako naghanap ng iba kahit tanungin mo lahat ng mga kaibigan ko, lahat ng mga kaklase ko. Alam nila kung gaano kita ka-Mahal. GANUN KITA KAMAHAL. GANUN!! Pero anong ginawa mo? SHIT. KA.

"Mahal ka parin niya." ... Hindi ko na alam kung maniniwala pa ako. Hindi ko na alam kung alin ang tama at ang mali. Binigay ko buong tiwala ko sayo. Pero anong ginawa mo? Sinayang mo lang lahat yun. Ganito ka ba talaga magmahal? Kailangan may lokohan? Pakiramdam ko naging laruan lang ako.

"Kaya hindi ka niya malapitan kasi nahihiya siya sayo. Kasi iniwan ka niya. Dahil sa mama niya. Wala na siyang maiharap na mukha sayo. Nahihiya siya." .. :( Hinihintay kitang lumapit KB. Naghihintay ako..

Alam mo ba? Ang sarap sapakin ng sarili ko. Dahil hanggang ngayon Mahal parin kita. Sobrang sakit na. Pero hindi ko alam kung bakit patuloy parin kitang minamahal. Ang sarap murahin ng sarili ko.

Isa pang chance? Masyado na akong nagbigay ng chance. Tapos nalaman ko pa ito? Mahal kita. Pero pagod na akong masaktan. Nakakapagod. Nakakapanghina.

Shit.

First Day of Classes. Day One.

It's okay. My adviser is nice. I love her. :) I saw my best friends again. My brother goes to my school now. He's now a first year student. I met some new friends inside the classroom. But I don't feel some of my new classmate. Hindi ko sila ka-vibes. :/ We had some activities. Ang kj ng iba sa introduce yourself. :| Ok, hindi naman sa gusto ko yung mag-iintroduce sa sarili pero, the hell, we're seniors now! Kung umasta eh parang bata. :| I really agree to some teachers who think that my batch, well not all of them, are immatures. *sigh*

And oh, I saw him. He's still handsome. Oh wait, erase that. I don't want to think of him again. But what can I do? My heart has a mind of his own. I can't control it. :/ It fucking hurts me. It's like I want to talk to him and ask him some things that are not clear to me. But again, I can't. I don't know why. I'm a loser. Or maybe, hug him. Pero pwede ba yun? Hindi pwede yun. Saan ka nakakita ng hiwalay na pero nagyayakapan pa? :( Maybe, I won't be able to talk to him until graduation. I'm afraid. I have this angry feeling that I don't know where it came from and why do I feel that way. I told you, I'm a loser.

After dismissal me and Mark Clay(my bestfriend) went to the church to pray. I ask God with some things and ask for signs. And I thank Him also for everything. Then separated ways to go home. Me loves Mark Clay so much. Oh, he's a gay but not totally gay but still love him cause he's super loka like me. :)

Day 2, here I come!